Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

motivation

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

My guardian angel deserves a raise

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.