Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.