Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.