i cant believe ChatGPT lost its job to AI
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[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset