Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

2022 be like

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.