I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
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Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.