Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.