Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

Old old old old old west

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats