I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
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they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
serving silly goose instead of turkey
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
genius
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
