Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

January has been Januweary

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

when mom throws a party…

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

Cheers Twitter.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs