I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
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Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston