I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
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Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..