Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

Cucumbers Anonymous

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.