I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
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I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Home is where your toilet is.