I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
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Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
If a snake ate a cake
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.