I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
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Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like