Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

My husband has put a couple of watches on eBay. Which has made me really happy as I can now ask how many people are watching his watches several times a day.

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…