Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

man: wait

time: no

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

What’s so funny?

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena