Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad