I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Wake me when AI does housework
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.