i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
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I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
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I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.