i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
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My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
#SaturdayBears
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“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
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*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care