i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
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they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?