Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.