Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

this country is so goddamn polarized

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?