Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.