Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

Brilliant!

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.