Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

so weird how every mom was born today

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?