Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
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TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.