I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
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Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
airing out the snack pack
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…