I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
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80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Take care of yourself, ladies
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Investing in beetcoin
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Yup
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.