Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.