Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

i wish we could shoplift online

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.