i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
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Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.