Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now