I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
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Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
dictator is short for richard potato
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?