Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

*pokes sex life with a stick

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.