Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.