Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost