I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
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my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.