I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
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I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
