I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
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Facebook marketplace is a different world
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I childproofed my house, but they keep getting in.