I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
You Might Also Like
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.