I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
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I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
whatcha thinkin bout
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.