I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
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Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Breaking news:
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
concern
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain