I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
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my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.