I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
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*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Practicing safe sax
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*