Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

🥴

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE