Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”

“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer