Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

feetloaf

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

the rocks need my help

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.