Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.