Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.