Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

dutch so unserious

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.