i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
You Might Also Like
making my dog give me my pills
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.