Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

bury ourselves

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

the three branches of government

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.