Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.