Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

i smell a pulitzer

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*