Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!