I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
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It will always be this
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I just love that new Pope smell.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.