I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
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A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.