I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
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It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
don’t we all
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.