“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
