“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
![]()
You Might Also Like
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
![]()
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating