Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.