Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

Hotels are back

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.