I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
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Photobombing Giraffe 😅
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Pass gas, not judgment.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!