Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

Don’t snitch tag.

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

Stop blaming yourself for everything. Learn Feng Shui and blame the fucking furniture

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter: