I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
You Might Also Like
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’