I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
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Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I love it all
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Good Morning.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
🛁
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”