I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
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I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Well, that didn’t work.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.