Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.