I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
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If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
You can’t rush stupid.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight