I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
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According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Important
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT