I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
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1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.