I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
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I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.