@UncleDuke1969

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

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@briangaar

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

@El_nacho_Nigre

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

@envydatropic

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

@_Bad_Karma

911:What’s your emergency?
M:I’ve been shot..
911:ok sir,keep calm now..
M:thru the heart..and you’re to blame
911:Mr Jovi,this has to stop.

@Reverend_Scott

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

@Nrvous1

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

@KelseyA1028

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

@JermHimselfish

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

@mikefossey

cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”