@UncleDuke1969

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

You Might Also Like

@iamburtjarvis

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

@DearAuntAbby

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

@caseytduncan

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

@DadandBuried

6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.

@daddydoubts

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

@thenatewolf

Reading about Selena Gomez getting a kidney from her best friend and thinking about my friend who said he didn’t like to loan out his DVDs.

@bobvulfov

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

@iGreenMonk

Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don’t think I’m beating her.

@NapVeg

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

@dshack8

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.