I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers


My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.


Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.


911:What’s your emergency?
M:I’ve been shot..
911:ok sir,keep calm now..
M:thru the heart..and you’re to blame
911:Mr Jovi,this has to stop.


Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.


Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.


Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert


Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.


cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make


Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”