[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Reading about Selena Gomez getting a kidney from her best friend and thinking about my friend who said he didn’t like to loan out his DVDs.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don’t think I’m beating her.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.