Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

😭😭😭😭

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you