I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
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I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”