Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister